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stuff undecided on
I can see potential problems
...for my 'three strikes only' month. One is that I've just handed in my notice to my landlord, so I'll be out of The House Of Rock by the close of November. This will necessarily entail a leaving party. Crumbs! Plus, I might be going for a weekend in Bundoran with Surf-Film-Maker Chap, me ole chum Jellycube, and her chap. This will necessarily entail smurfing, and... You know wot else. Begorrah! In other news, I got sent a joke by The Walrus (my dad) via the medium of SMS. It didn't go quite how I expected : Little 5 year old girl Daisy, sees a group of workmen turn up next door to build a house. She takes an interest and starts to talk to them. The builders with hearts of gold adopt her as their site mascot. After a week they present her with a pink hard hat & gloves. Even a wage packet with £5.
"Goodness," says mummy, smiling; "are you working there next week ?"
Daisy replies: "I think so mummy, provided those cunts at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks."
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It would seem that my old
...band have a MySpace page, despite having disbanded over three years ago. In the profile, I am described as having laid down some 'mighty bass groves'. An interesting choice of words. Are they referring to my citrus affiliations ? Or perhaps suggesting my performance was wooden ? I know not.
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I suspect that
...not drinking will be good for my head and body, but bad for finding myself in scenarios involving adventure. So I may have to start living vicariously. I am nothing if not demonstrative. So here are some examples of how exciting my brother's life has been recently, thrown into sharp contrast with my tedious existence : Number of sharks stroked
Lemonbrother : 1
Lemonsquash : 0 Number of days spent eating large burgers for all three meals
Lemonbrother : 1
Lemonsquash : 0 Number of farms visited containing FAINTING GOATS
Lemonbrother : 1
Lemonsquash : 0 Hmmm. How can I redress the balance, in adventure terms ?
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Blonde Curly Physio and I have
...been watching the music channels this evening. You'll be pleased to hear that I haven't had a drop of boozahol, and plenty of lesbian tea. Anyway, I shall relate some of my thoughts on the televisual smorgasbord wot I've been served up : - We watched the Biography channel's account of the Led Zeppelin story. Clearly this channel lacks the type of clout that viewers might hope for. Which of Led Zeppelin's rock and roll peers were interviewed during the programme ? A couple of members of Heart. I shit you not. I'm not even sure they were always in focus. After the mighty Zeppelin there followed the Bon Jovi story. Despite Blonde Curly Physio's desire to see what exactly motivated Jon's dubious choice of hairstyles throughout the ages, it was too much to bear, and I was compelled to touch that dial. - There was a countdown of the sexiest folk in rock on the Kerrang! channel. There was only one woman in this countdown, which was Gwen Stefani wot of No Talent Doubt. At number two there was that bloke from Him, who is kinda like a goth Morton Harket. At number one was Billie Joe from Green Day. Now, I'm not sure whether hobbits are still generally in vogue, but I'm not convinced they were ever sexy*. I was clearly unsatisfied by Kerrang's choice of the sexiest people in rock. Was Meat Loaf in the top ten ? Was he fuck. Arbitrary yakshit. Who is really the sexiest person in rock ? Eh ? Eh ? *I actually have nothing against the guy. I think I was just craving a glass of wine by this point.
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Surf-Film-Maker Chap is concerned
...that he is being misrepresented on this blog. I asked him how he figured. He told me that it painted him as being quite fruity. I contested this, and asked for evidence - which he has yet to provide. But he did make some suggestions as to how to tweak my writing to cast him in a more manly light : Surf-Film-Maker Chap : When I say something, you can add 'he said in a gruff tone'.
Lemonsquash : You think that'll help ?
SFMC : Yes. And say that I'm wearing a hat.
Lemonsquash : What kind of hat ?
SFMC : Erm... A leather one.
Lemonsquash : You're right. If you're wearing a leather hat and speaking in a gruff tone, no-one will mistake you for being gay.
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It's fancy dress
...time again. This weekend we appear to be having a premature Hallowe'en. And I have to choose between one of two parties. One is in a pub in the village, will feature lots of usual suspects, is guaranteed to be fun, and is within walking distance of my bed at the close of the evening. The other is in a town fifteen miles away, and will only feature about three people I know. There will, however, be a band, new people (including the outside possibility of new women), and a HELIUM MACHINE. Although this is in the 'stuff undecided on' category, I feel that there really is no contest. And I shall be wearing my new mask, here seen modelled by a character which I promise has nothing to do with the notoriously litigious Disney corporation : 
Eeeek! Let the frightening commence!
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So I went to see
...The Lemonheads on Saturday in Brizzle. Larks were had. I'd gone along with the Sweet Ecologist and some of her pals, and met up with Busty Farm Girl and some other buddies from school when we got there. A while after the gig, I was faced with a choice. My school buddies embarked on their journey home, and I could either (a) get a taxi, and meet the ex and her pals in some bar a few miles away; (b) go out in the town centre by myself; or (c) call it a day, and go to bed. I was, after all, a wee bit tiddly by this point. I decided to go to the nearest bar and get me a pint, to aid with the decision-making process. The bar was called 'The Pineapple'. I went in, and instantly noticed several men canoodling with other men, and women canoodling with other women. 'Hmmm,' I pondered - 'I think I know wot type of bar this is'. I ordered a pint, and whilst waiting for it, drunkenly dropped my phone. Just after I'd bent over to pick it up, it occurred to me that marching into a gay bar by myself - and presenting within a minute of being there - was probably giving off quite a strong signal. It's no wonder some chap at the bar kept giving me the eye (in a manner of speaking). I told Surf-Film-Maker Chap about this the following day :
SFMC : Well, you definitely have a look that gay men would go for.
Lemonsquash : Oh really ?
SFMC : Yes, you're a bear.
Lemonsquash : ...
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More on the latest
...lost cause - the pursuit of Heart-Stopping (potential) Lesbian. She came along to the quiz on Monday, and I actually had the gumption this time to introduce myself to her properly. She was very smiley and accommodating. In fact, she was quite gushingly complimentary. HS(p)L : Do you do this every week ? As you weren't here last week.
Lemonsquash : Every week until I move away, in all likelihood.
HS(p)L : It's not worth it if you're not doing it.
Lemonsquash : Really ? That's very kind. But there will be other quizmasters after I'm gone. They'll be just as good, I'm sure.
HS(p)L : They won't be. You're easily the best one around. No-one's as good, friendly or nice as you are.
Lemonsquash : Oh my. I think I'm going blush. I probably should have kept the last sentence confined to inner monologue. Hey ho. The next step in this entirely pointless quest is to ascertain whether or not the girl she usually comes to the quiz with is, in fact, her lesbian lover. I spoke with Busty Farm Girl on the phone, and she had a few suggestions. Including :
Busty Farm Girl : She has a lip-ring, right ?
Lemonsquash : She does.
Busty Farm Girl : Well, you could say "I notice you have a lip-ring". She will say "Yes, I do". Then you can say "Do you find it aids cunnilingus ?" That's sure to work. I think I might just adopt the more traditional approach of asking her friends about her.
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Yesterday I listened to
...'You're The Voice' by John Farnham. It is a beast of a track. So much so that they named a town in Surrey after him. It even has a bagpipe solo! Wot is your favourite cheese-rock classic ?
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I am beginning to see
...the Heart-Stopping Alleged Lesbian more frequently. She showed up at the quiz I run on Monday, and smouldered. I am willing her to not be a lesbian - or to be bi - and for our love to blossom. We have not had a chance to speak one-to-one yet. But we have made eye contact, and she laughed at my jokes. I feel that this is progress. On the downside, she showed up with the girl I saw her with in the supermarket, and wondered if it was her girlfriend. Oh, and their team name was 'Sorry I missed church... I was too busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian'. But if there's one thing I've proved time and time again that will not affect my judgement, it's overwhelming empirical evidence.
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I have nothing in
...particular to blog about today. But I'm going to blog it anyway. Why ? Because I have no job. Anyway, here are some things : - I am listening to the new Lemonheads album. Yay! And w00t! - Going online armed with a credit card and a head full of boozahol is ill-advised. This is not a new lesson, but one which I feel is worth taking on board. - The smurf was cranking at 7 o'clock this morning. But I decided that I was too hungover, and went back to bed. When I got back up, the waves were shite. I have broken The Code, and must dismember one of my toes accordingly. - I saved a daddy longlegs from drowning. - I am going to a party on Saturday, with the theme 'heroes'. I haven't decided wot to go as yet. Apparently this can include anti-heroes. What shall I go as ? That'll do for now.
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OOF! There I
...was, trying desperately to shoehorn some thrill and adventure into my vapid existence; and wot should come through my door ? POW! Like a meteorite that has broken off from the Planet w00t! and hurtled across space in a blazing ball of energy and hi-jinks, only to end up taking out my house in a cataclysm of JOY ? I bet you're RIGID with anticipation. Well, I'll tell you. Inside the envelope - with what seems like the scrawl of a toddler across its breast - was a letter from the SPEED DATING PEOPLE! Jumping jizzwhistles! I'm sure that all of you remember the EPIC evening of laughs and love that befell me last time I went to one of these. Well this time round, it sounds EVEN BIGGER AND BETTER, if that's possible. It reads : We do hope that you will be able to join us as it promises to be an exciting "fun" evening. Our numbers have improved enormously since the July event! Melting Mary's ears! But that's not all... There will be a CHRISTMAS PARTY too, presumably sometime around Christmas. It is being held in a pub in the middle of nowhere, and will cost only £25 a ticket! Which includes "a free drink upon arrival"! I am tumescing at the thought of the UNFATHOMABLE BRILLITUDE and LARKS that this evening will bring. HOLY SEX! Sorry, it's all gotten a bit much. I might take a nap now.
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Going to the pub is
...an education : Firstly : "I'd go out there and shoot those Arabs for free." Secondly : "All you have to do is vapourise Riyadh. How many people are there there ? 650,000 ? But then it's all over. They'll just hand them over. One action, and it can all be over." Parting shot : "See you next week!" I look forward to it. It's expanding my mind.
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Exchange in the local
...Londis yesterday : Shop Girl : £4.15 please.
[Lemonsquash realises he has correct change]
Lemonsquash : w00t!
[Pause]
Shop Girl : What did you just say ?
Lemonsquash : Er... I expressed joy at having the right change ?
Shop Girl : You said 'w00t!', didn't you ?
Lemonsquash : Maybe ? Er... Yes, ok - I did.
Shop Girl : That's something computer geeks say. Like 'pwn'.
Lemonsquash : Poon ? No, I'm sure that's something else.
Shop Girl : No, it is. Like when you destroy your enemy in a game.
Lemonsquash : Lol. Net-speak is proliferating my everyday life. OMG! *SHID* :-S
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I woke up in
...the back of Surf-Film-Maker Chap's estate, on an inflatable bed. It had deflated, due to a puncture. This was uncomfortable. And I had 'Labour Of Love' by Hue & Cry in my head, for some reason. Double insult. But that's not why I'm here to talk to you today. I have two dilemmas. One is that I saw the most heart-stoppingly lovely girl at a party last night. She was only at the party for five minutes, before disappearing. And I never got a chance to talk to her. She had a lip and tongue piercing, a blonde bob, and was outrageously cute. She seemed to know someone I know. Now, is it creepy and stalkerish to visit this bloke at his place of work, just so I can find out who she is ? Well, ok - it is most definitely creepy and stalkerish. But are the levels of creepery and stalkitude acceptable ? Might she find my unhealthy obsessiveness charming ? Secondly, should I move to Japan ? Your thoughts, please.
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