...give you chaps and chapesses a quick update on a couple of things that have happened lately. Not that you care...
- In The Rag this week, there's a photo of me, and the caption
describes me as 'cowardly'. The photo is of myself and a Rag journo
about to go on a minorly terrifying ride, as a local theme park was
trying to find the county's bravest journalist. In my write-up, I'd
claimed that he'd 'screamed like a sissy girl'. This was his revenge
- and The Rag has a considerably higher circulation than the
outfit (henceforth The Outfit) I write for. However, what I'd said was
true, whereas I have now been libelled by the biggest newspaper in the
county. I shall have the last laugh. In court.
- Conversation yesterday, whilst Surf-Film-Maker Chap and I were
having a pint, and SFMC was looking after his girlfriend's dog :
SFMC : I've found that if you nibble his ear, he'll bite you on the face.
Lemonsquash : Does he really ?
SFMC : Yes, watch...
[SFMC nibbles the dog's ear. The dog snaps at his face, and his cheek immediately starts pissing blood]
Lemonsquash : You're right. He does.
SFMC : Aw fuck.
Lemonsquash : I'll go and get you a plaster and some antiseptic.
- Last Friday, I bought the world's shittest Hallowe'en mask from
Tescos for £1.44 (I only thought of looking up Slipknot masks on Ebay
when it was already too late), went to a Rag-centred party, and made a
right royal nuisance of myself. We played 'I have never', which caused
me to make a couple of admissions that maybe I shouldn't have. Then I
mocked someone on account of their Christianity (they claimed they
turned to Jesus to save them from the demons they kept seeing - I mean really).
Then I mocked someone else for defending their friend's stance that -
despite being into man-on-man bumlove - they weren't homosexual as they
couldn't be labelled. I argued that not only was this an insult to the
complexities of the Engish language, but also intolerably pretentious.
Although I still stand by all the points I made, I think I may have
been a bit too vehement and possibly a little odious.
- I have had to do not one, but two articles on public
toilets in the past fortnight. The head reporter of The
Outfit has started referring to me as 'Our Man In The Can'. I must
not allow this to become my niche.
- I am about to have some peanut butter on toast.
Erm... That'll do for now.
