...tonight's moustache party, I have just had a shave. It is a little bit shocking. I just did my chin and neck, so that the 'tache joins up with my sidies. I believe, according to my facial hair chart, that this look is known as 'Friendly Mutton Chops'.

Well, if I wasn't a bear before, I certainly am now.

...party. It was whiskerrific. There's nothing quite like carousing at a local hostelry with a handful of glamourous fillies and chaps shamelessly sporting fine bushy 'taches, what what.

We retired to The House Of Rock for the latter part of the evening. It was the last chance to wreck the place before throwing myself at the mercy of my (now ex) landlord. Smiley Surf Shop Gal wrote her name in Marmite on the kitchen ceiling. Using her nose. This was no mean feat, as she is by no means a tall girl. Then, later in the evening still, we fought. An inflated airbed was used to smother the opposition, and pile ons ensued. I battled on the same side as Nooma, which was a smart move, as she is not afraid of fighting dirty. At one point, she unpotted a couple of my plants, and dropped them clod-first onto her opponent's head. Übermess!

At four in the morning, Nooma felt compelled to sit on me and cuddle me a lot. This pleased me. Partly because her boyfriend hates my guts, and would have *hated* that this was happening. But mostly because she was warm and cosy. Mmmm.

I should leave more often.

Separately and unrelatedly, I am trying to find the right term of endearment. I may have asked this before, but please humour me. If you were a girl, and a boy was going to call you something that made you feel a bit wiggly, wot would you want to be called ?

...spent mainly drifting in and out of consciousness. Then I went to The Rag Christmas party. I perked up due to (a) an office turbohottie sitting next to me, and (b) cider. Sadly I had to sit out the passing of a sack around for Secret Santa, as no fucker had told me we were doing it. Humbug!

What was quite good fun was writing down three little-known facts about ourselves, having them all read out, and guessing whose belonged to whom. I wrote the following :
1. A recurring nightmare I used to have.
2. My porn name is Spitz Williams.
3. I once had a set of handcuffs confiscated at Dublin airport.
I was told by one of the reporters that she had guessed me for no less than four of her answers (there were about fifteen of us); which led me to believe that people must take me for some kind of degenerate. One of the people's facts was 'When I was being potty trained, whenever my mother went to answer the door or the phone, I would eat my own excrement'. I do hope no-one chose me for that one.

The evening ended with a jaunt into town, where we got everyone to dance individually (based on the hypothesis that people have sex in a similar fashion to the way they boogie), got more drunk, saw a fight, got drenched in a deluge whilst waiting for a taxi, and had a kebab. Go archetypal Saturday night!

...out of a suitcase for a month or so. At the moment I'm with my parents in deepest Welsh Wales. I went out with The Walrus to a pub quiz yesterday evening. It was entirely unlike my quiz. It was a league match, the questions were answered verbally, and I was the youngest participant by a good decade. We picked up a chap from our team on the way, who proceed to reel off a list of folk who had transcended the departure lounge in the last week. It's a different world.

After a very narrow away defeat, we went back to our home pub for last orders. I was forced to bite my tongue as a couple of corpulent locals vomited some bilious tabloid opinions like they were their own. We had a tirade concerning foreigners being forced to adopt our customs, which stemmed from "And now they're going to ban tinsel, because Christmas decorations offend the muslims and whatnot. It's ridiculous!" So they're going to ban tinsel are they ? In the same way that those filthy slug-eating shitsticks on the continent took away our Prawn Cocktail crisps ? The cunts! But hats off to the tabloids for achieving almost total proliferation of their insidious xenophobic hatemessage. If I got to send anything to Room 101, I know what I'd put in first.

Now that I've got that off my chest, I have enough breathing space to tell you that, other than that, I had a very pleasant and jolly evening. Hooray!

...of quizzes, the wolf-criers from last week returned to the quiz on Monday. I tend to go round the teams to ask if they want any questions repeated before swapping papers for marking. One of the young ladies from the team of six asked for a question about EasyEverything repeated.

Lemonsquash : 'EasyEverything is the world's biggest what ?'
Young Lady : Can we have a clue ?
Lemonsquash : 'Fraid not.
Young 'Lady' : Go on... If you give us a clue, I'll give you a blow-job.

The rest of her team seemed even more aghast than me. Sans shame! A short while later, I passed a bloke member of her team going to the gents. I bid him "Hello," and all I got in return was a Bash Street Kids-style dagger stare. Guessing that's her chap, then. Not my fault your girlfriend's a slut, old chum.

...at a loss as to what to get your loved ones for Christmas ?

Are you struggling to find that perfect present ?

Don't be a flange! Let LemonSquash Diversions Inc provide you with gifts that are guaranteed to temporarily distract your family and friends from your other failings!

This year's range includes :

• Totopoly - become a property magnate down in Africa! If you can place a hotel on Kilimanjaro (which rises like Olympus over the Serengeti), then you'll be quids in!
• Bin-It Extreme 2 - another infuriating noisy piece of junk that you will be wrenching from your wretched offspring's hands within twenty minutes! *All parts guaranteed recycle-bin friendly!
• Frictionary - highlight other players' shortcomings and issues to advance along the board! Extra points can be gained by triggering angry swearing/walkouts/physical assault!
• i-Crabs - your very own virtual pubic infestation!
• Connect Two - Connect Four for the MTV generation!
• Scatz - JUST IN! - Muddy Makeover Jade, 'Salò' Dinnertime Yasmin, and Glass Coffee Table Sheridan.
• Hungry Hungry Children - neglect to make Christmas dinner!
• Fuckaroo - the game popularised Down Under! You'll have to be quick to stand a chance of dumping your entire load on this angry kanga!
• ...and lots more!

So don't just stand there, scratching your head and looking gormless - make this Christmas an LSD Inc Christmas!