...images from a blurry week :

...the 'Dam :

- We check into our one-star hotel, and go for a drink. Within a minute of entering the nearest square to our hotel, some young bloke comes up to me and goes "Hey - it's the [Ship Of Fools] quizmaster!" I cannot escape.

- All you can eat ribs, at Busty Farm Girl's request. No matter how much sangria you wash them down with, you will not ever be able to sleep with that much meat in your belly.

- "Do you remember that guy we saw at Central Station ? He was huge!"
[He was honestly about eight foot tall]
"Yeah. What do you reckon the kids at his school used to call him ?"
"Willow ?"

- Girls in jeans on bikes. Mmmm.

- At nine o'clock in the morning, there is a rap on the hotel room door. A bleary Lemon with a hallucinogen hangover answers, and is greeted by a fat German man with long hair.
"Hallo. We want your room."
"Er... Pardon ?"
"We are on the first floor. We do not like our room. We want yours."
"What, really ?"
"Yes."
"You can't seriously be suggesting we pack up our room now and let you have it ? Look, we check out at 11 o'clock. You can talk with the people who run the hotel, if you want - but we won't be out before then."
Man starts ranting in German. I close the door in his face. Talk about taking a stereotype to an extreme. I am not a big fan of conflict, but a sneaky little part of me had been telling me to punch him in the face. I am pleased with myself for having resisted.

Until the next time.

...Farm Girl's 30th on the weekend. She arranged for an evening on the supposedly haunted fort on the hill. The building is replete with medieval weaponry, suits of armour, portculli (?) and wotnot. It's a weird little place, run by the oddest lot on the planet.

The party did, however, clash with Nooma and Smiley Surf-Shop Gal's joint birthday outing. Their theme was ROCK.

Nooma asked if I could drive her to pick up her costume, as it was too cumbersome to fit in her car. I was happy to be of service, and we went to pick it up from a zookeeper's house, as it was he that made the costume. Apparently it took three days to make. I'm not surprised. It was a digger, that was adapted from a toy tractor and made into a suit.

I know... Rather than describe it, I'll show you a photo. Here it is, modelled by Nooma and Blonde Curly Physio :

While we were at The Zookeeper's house, I was asked if I'd like to go and see inside his shed. Not having had an offer like that in some time, I gladly obliged. His shed was full of displays containing bird-eating spiders and tarantulas, giant snails, hissing cockroaches, blue-tongued skinks, and a boa constrictor. The Zookeeper took the snake out of the cage, and asked if I wanted to hold it.
"I do and I don't," I said.
"That's a yes then."
"Ok... How do I hold it ?"
"Around your neck," he said, placing the massive beastie about my shoulders. It was a weird sensation, having this ten-foot muscular monster perched about my top-area, trying to slither down my jumper sleeves. Not how I'd envisioned spending my Saturday lunchtime. But hey - with the sad passing of Steve Irwin presenting a gap in the market, and me with no job, the time could be right for an unprecedented career sidestep.

Nooma bought me lunch to thank me for driving her around and helping her out. We shared a dessert. Ice-cream profiteroles with chocolate sauce. Mmmm. Two people we knew walked into the pub midway through. Afterwards, Nooma pointed out that we had been "caught" sharing a dessert. I said this had occurred to me at the time.
"This is likely to bring about rumours," she noted. I acknowledged this. Soon enough, everyone around will believe that neither of us can finish a whole pudding.

I was proud of myself for getting through our superfunhappy day of delight without asphyxiating in amorous feelings. Well, ok - there were some. But nothing I couldn't suppress. And was her boyfriend out for her birthday ? Was he fuck. Some things just don't change.

As for Busty Farm Girl's party, well... That's another story. Some of which is entirely unbroadcastable. But I will tell you of one of the highlights. A friend of ours from school, drunk and charlied up, stripping down to his pants, and 'serenading' the front-of-house woman with a deliciously atonal version of Lionel Richie's 'Hello'. It will be with me to my grave.

...after-tremor from my birthday weekend. We have a new housemate. She is a lovely Irish lady with dreads. Yesterday she asked if we had any vinegar. I grabbed a bottle from atop the fridge, and passed it to her. I only realised afterwards that there was a sticker on it, bearing the legend 'Let me eat your shit'.

I am beginning to seriously dread wot the landlord might find.

...the back of Surf-Film-Maker Chap's estate, on an inflatable bed. It had deflated, due to a puncture. This was uncomfortable. And I had 'Labour Of Love' by Hue & Cry in my head, for some reason. Double insult.

But that's not why I'm here to talk to you today. I have two dilemmas. One is that I saw the most heart-stoppingly lovely girl at a party last night. She was only at the party for five minutes, before disappearing. And I never got a chance to talk to her. She had a lip and tongue piercing, a blonde bob, and was outrageously cute. She seemed to know someone I know. Now, is it creepy and stalkerish to visit this bloke at his place of work, just so I can find out who she is ? Well, ok - it is most definitely creepy and stalkerish. But are the levels of creepery and stalkitude acceptable ? Might she find my unhealthy obsessiveness charming ?

Secondly, should I move to Japan ?

Your thoughts, please.

...Londis yesterday :

Shop Girl : £4.15 please.
[Lemonsquash realises he has correct change]
Lemonsquash : w00t!
[Pause]
Shop Girl : What did you just say ?
Lemonsquash : Er... I expressed joy at having the right change ?
Shop Girl : You said 'w00t!', didn't you ?
Lemonsquash : Maybe ? Er... Yes, ok - I did.
Shop Girl : That's something computer geeks say. Like 'pwn'.
Lemonsquash : Poon ? No, I'm sure that's something else.
Shop Girl : No, it is. Like when you destroy your enemy in a game.
Lemonsquash : Lol.

Net-speak is proliferating my everyday life. OMG! *SHID* :-S

...a little old lady cross the road. I thought that never actually happened in real life (sorry - IRL). She had a stick and everything.

Little Old Lady : Hello. Would you mind helping me across the road ?
Lemonsquash : Are you shitting me, woman ?

Ok, I didn't say that. I politely obliged, and then afterwards bid her good day. What good turns have you done recently ?

...Nooma :

[Nooma] says:
I am eating a mushroom!
[Nooma] says:
they are lush
[Lemonsquash] says:
lushrooms!
[Nooma] says:
turbolushrooms!

I really should try harder to get a job.

...happened recently :

- I saw the heart-stoppingly lovely girl again. She was at the next checkout to me in Tesco. I considered striking up a conversation. But I chickened out - in part because she was joined by another lady. I wondered if they were lesbians. Anyway, I spoke with a chap a few days later who knew who she was. "Ooh... Ooh... Is she single ?" I blurted. "Well, she's a lesbian," he replied. How much of a bad joke is that ? I would say that her lesbianism is a fairly insurmountable spanner in the 'union of man and woman' works. Plus, this confirmation suggests I have a fairly deft gaydar. Wot does that say about me ?

- I took on a couple of shifts at The Ship Of Fools. This was a mistake, as I was reminded how much of a pain in the pods dealing with drunken folk is when you're sober. 'No, by "Excuse me" I meant "Stay exactly where you are". If I'd intended you to stay exactly where you are and not let me pass, I would have said "Excuse me" instead.' Dur.

- I went back to my hometown for a couple of mates' joint 30th. One of the people present was a guy we knew from school, who is the most hapless individual I have ever encountered. For example, he is the only person I know who has ripped open his scrotum twice. Anyway, Hapless Chap told me about his most recent adventure. He was stopped by the police riding his bike home one night, and had his wrist slapped for riding with no lights. A mutual friend was informed by a buddy on the force that what had actually happened was that Hapless Chap was caught masturbating in the local blind school grounds. Hapless Chap was protesting his innocence to me, presumably before anyone else had a chance to impart the story from another slant. "I have a girlfriend, who I had sex with later that night. Why would I have needed to masturbate ?" he pleaded. It was really difficult not to laugh in his face.

That'll do for now. More soon.

...an education :

Firstly : "I'd go out there and shoot those Arabs for free."

Secondly : "All you have to do is vapourise Riyadh. How many people are there there ? 650,000 ? But then it's all over. They'll just hand them over. One action, and it can all be over."

Parting shot : "See you next week!"

I look forward to it. It's expanding my mind.

...was, trying desperately to shoehorn some thrill and adventure into my vapid existence; and wot should come through my door ? POW! Like a meteorite that has broken off from the Planet w00t! and hurtled across space in a blazing ball of energy and hi-jinks, only to end up taking out my house in a cataclysm of JOY ? I bet you're RIGID with anticipation. Well, I'll tell you. Inside the envelope - with what seems like the scrawl of a toddler across its breast - was a letter from the SPEED DATING PEOPLE! Jumping jizzwhistles!

I'm sure that all of you remember the EPIC evening of laughs and love that befell me last time I went to one of these. Well this time round, it sounds EVEN BIGGER AND BETTER, if that's possible. It reads :

We do hope that you will be able to join us as it promises to be an exciting "fun" evening. Our numbers have improved enormously since the July event!

Melting Mary's ears! But that's not all... There will be a CHRISTMAS PARTY too, presumably sometime around Christmas. It is being held in a pub in the middle of nowhere, and will cost only £25 a ticket! Which includes "a free drink upon arrival"! I am tumescing at the thought of the UNFATHOMABLE BRILLITUDE and LARKS that this evening will bring. HOLY SEX!

Sorry, it's all gotten a bit much. I might take a nap now.

...particular to blog about today. But I'm going to blog it anyway. Why ? Because I have no job. Anyway, here are some things :

- I am listening to the new Lemonheads album. Yay! And w00t!

- Going online armed with a credit card and a head full of boozahol is ill-advised. This is not a new lesson, but one which I feel is worth taking on board.

- The smurf was cranking at 7 o'clock this morning. But I decided that I was too hungover, and went back to bed. When I got back up, the waves were shite. I have broken The Code, and must dismember one of my toes accordingly.

- I saved a daddy longlegs from drowning.

- I am going to a party on Saturday, with the theme 'heroes'. I haven't decided wot to go as yet. Apparently this can include anti-heroes. What shall I go as ?

That'll do for now.

...of posting images in the comments on other people's blogs today. So, here is a picture that is supposed to be here :

...who I'm going to tonight's 'heroes' party as ? Here's a clue :

That's right - everyone's favourite sardonic adventure-courting archaeologist has been given a new camp twist. I do think that the skipping rope is a bit of a find. I thought of spray-painting the gun pink for maximum effect; but the cheapest aerosol I could find was £4.50. Clearly I am not showing enough dedication to the cause.