...exasperation about my augmenting paunch, I have decided to take extreme measures. There are to be no more Star Bars; despite the fact that they sell them in the shop next to our office, and they are *the best chocolate bar*. Furthermore, I gazed dreamily at the hot meats counter for a few minutes at the local Stresscos; before instead buying some rolls and salad items. I ate my rolls, which I enjoyed. However, my body craves meat so much that it made me bite my own tongue, which is now pissing blood. A cheap trick to fool me into believing that I am getting my requisite protein. My body is a temple. A temple of doom. We are now at war with one another.

In other news, Jehova's Witness Programmer Nerd has just vandalised my banana :

He wouldn't have been able to do that if it had been a rack of ribs. Or a kleftiko. Mmmmm... Kleftiko.

...new category called 'stuff that's wrong' :

[An abridged conversation in the office just now, where certain members of The Outfit are reminiscing]
Jehovah's Witness Programmer Nerd : Do you remember Samantha Fox, Maria Whittaker, and Linda Lusardi ?
Head Reporter : Linda Lusardi aged really well, didn't she ?
Lemonsquash : I'd say she's a lot better now than she was back then. And Maria Whittaker - she was the one that posed for that game 'Barbarian', wasn't she ?
Young Whippersnapper : 'Barbarian' ?
Lemonsquash : Yeah. You got to lop people's heads off after spinning around with a massive sword. Do you remember that one ?
Young Whippersnapper : On the PC ?
Lemonsquash : Nah, we're going back to Spectrum days.
Jehovah's Witness Programmer Nerd : You're quite up on your 80s stuff, aren't you ?
Young Whippersnapper : Not that much. I was born in the 80s.
Lemonsquash : Urgh. I hate that so many people were born in the 80s.
[Pause]
Lemonsquash : Oh my god. It's just occurred to me... It's now legal to have sex with a small amount of people who were born in the 90s. How depressing is that ?
Jehovah's Witness Programmer Nerd : It's always been legal to have sex with people in their 90s.

...the week as we mean to go on :

Lemonsquash : Ah, you'll like this one. 'God was able to create the world in seven days only because he had the aid of Mr. T, a blow torch, and a musical montage.'
Jehovah's Witness Programmer Nerd : I don't think that's strictly true.
Boss Man : That's not to say that God wasn't smart enough to create Mr. T first as a labour-saving device type thingy.

...wot I work for now is pretty much in direct competition with The Rag, wot I used to work for. The Rag has an advantage in the sense that it is an institution, and has been going for just over 150 years. The Outfit has an advantage in that it is online, so it can be updated at any time. The Rag, weekly as it is, has a considerable time disadvantage.

However, this week they have excelled themselves with their two cover stories. One is the county's first gay wedding, which we really should have covered, as the couple are known to one of our reporters. The second is 'Mum's Fury At 'Vile' T-Shirt', which tells of a 13-year-old buying a Cradle Of Filth t-shirt bearing the legend 'Jesus Is A Cunt'. Members of the Christian community held a protest outside the shop that sold it; a shop which - incidentally - advertises with us. How could we possibly have missed these ? Hats off to The Rag, for once.

...Programmer Nerd slumps in his chair, peels open a banana, and procedes to tell me how he doesn't think man can be descended from apes.

I also happen to know that his alarm in the morning is the fabled Tarzan wail, followed by a load of monkey noises.

And he lets me clean him by picking and eating the lice from his hair.

...genuine conundrum. In about a month's time, I was going to spend a weekend going to Oxford and London, and catch up with old mates. Going all this way is expensive and time-consuming; but my housemate was going up anyway, so we can share the cost, and stop each other going stir crazy for the journey. (Shhh - I was even going to maybe suggest blinks on the Saturday (the 24th))

However, there is a band playing locally on the Friday that I would miss if I went. And it is an *AC/DC tribute band*. Ergo, it would FUCKING ROCK. But then I'd miss my weekend away. It's so unfair.

*Sobs*

...done for a while. It's a weekend roundup :

- On Friday night, I watched 'Krull' with Curly Blonde Physio, whilst drinking beer. It rules. I especially like the bit where the main baddie says to his kidnapee : "Consider this power. If you consent to be my queen, I will halt the attacks of the Slayers. It is in your power to stop the killing and burning. Each hour you delay, more innocent people will be killed". What a great chat-up line. I may have to employ this next time I'm on the prowl. I'm bound to score, as nobody really wants a massacre.

- On Saturday I went smurfing, and almost decapitated two people with my 10'2" waterbound guillotine. I suppose I could have tried to keep out of their way; but where's the fun in that ?

- I got attention from a lady on Saturday evening. This is unprecedented. And it was all rather obvious. "So, where is there to go in [your village] ?" I asked. "Well, there's [local pub]. Or you could come to my house, if you want," she replied. Shameless! And - before you ask - no I didn't.

- Much of the weekend was tarnished by not being able to get Def Leppard out of my head, for some reason. It was pure soft metal Hades.

That'll do for the time being, I think.

...conversation :

['Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now' is playing on the radio in the background]
Lemonsquash : God, I love Starship. And to think they spent all that time treading-water as Jefferson Airplane. There seemed no hope, and suddenly they blossomed.
Curly Boss : It's really a classic butterfly from a chrysalis story, isn't it ?
Jehovah's Witness Programmer Nerd : I just loved 'Mannequin'. That girl was just so gorgeous.
Lemonsquash : Kim Cattrall ?
Jehovah's Witness Programmer Nerd : Yeah. It was just all magical. I used to spend time outside the Co-Op window in Pembroke Dock, just staring at the mannequins... Wishing that they'd turn from men into women, and come alive.

...a lost weekend :

[Lemonsquash and his old school chums are discussing buying a boat]
School Chum 1 : Instead of getting a boat, maybe we should buy an elephant.
School Chum 2 : Then we can keep it in your garden.
Lemonsquash : We'll have to find a dealer that we can score loads of cheap peanuts from.
School Chum 1 : There's no need. It's a myth that elephants like peanuts.
Lemonsquash : Is it ?
School Chum 1 : Yes. They only eat mice.

It is worth noting that I cannot really afford to buy a boat. Unless any of you have one going cheap.