...spoilt my ballot :

...things :

1. It is too easy to persuade someone with lurgee that the nasty bacteria will be killed off with alcohol. Add Laphroaig. Repeat ad nauseam.

2. See 1.

3. See 1.

update on wot's been going on recently :

- Myself and Surf-Film-Maker Chap both got sharked by a couple of young ladies on Monday. This is how I explained it to the Sweet Ecologist :
Two girls latched onto us after the quiz [at The Ship Of Fools] had finished, and came back to the house to borrow a torch. [Surf-Film-Maker Chap] innocently but foolishly offered them a drink, and then one of them orchestrated trapping [him] in his bedroom! And she tried to snog him, despite him mentioning his girlfriend every second sentence! Scandal! And the other one wanted me! Eeek! Don't worry though... I am a man of principle, and calmly informed her that I have lovely ladyfriend. You're in no danger. Hooray for not cheating on our girlfriends!
And her response :
That's an interesting way of telling me that twice in a week you almost cheated on me!  What are you going to do if the next girl is very forceful?
The other girl she referred to was someone who insisted that I dance with her at my brother's birthday party on the weekend, who then became very flustered when she realised that the Sweet Ecologist was watching this. My response :
If by 'almost cheated' you mean 'had unwanted and unreciprocated attention', then yes - I see wot you mean. If the next girl is more forceful, I will beat her to death with a massive piece of Lego*.

- Yesterday, Jehova's Witness Programmer Nerd was pondering as to whether Tupac used to be a mechanic, on account of 'Two Pack' being a kind of paint for cars. Then it was ventured that, before rapping with A Tribe Called Quest, Q-Tip had been attached to an albino's head for 18 years. I suspect that examples of this aren't limited to the world of rap. Did Tony Blair used to be a witch ? Is Sally Traffic the only instance of someone who's remained in a profession that complements her name ?

- Conversation just now :
Jehova's Witness Programmer Nerd : Are you blogging about me ?
Lemonsquash : Yes.
Jehova's Witness Programmer Nerd : Can I read it ?
Lemonsquash : No.
Jehova's Witness Programmer Nerd : Well I hope you're not painting me out to be some prime time dildo.
I think Jehova's Witness Programmer Nerd deserves his own category.

*Lemonsquash does not condone Lego violence.

evening yesterday :

Comedian : Has anybody here ever been to Sellafield ?
Solitary voice : Yes.
Comedian : Who just said "yes" ?
Solitary voice : Er... Me.
Comedian : What kind of a *twat* has ever been to Sellafield ?

Ladies and gentlemen - my girlfriend, the twat. Bless.

(I did of course batter said comedian into a crunchy pulp for dissing my bird...)

...Jehova's Witness Programmers Nerd :

"They're planning to cover that fire in a blanket of foam ? But foam goes up like no-one's business. What good is chucking the innards of a load of old sofas on a huge fire gonna do ?"

...just now :

[Lemonsquash burps]
Jehova's Witness Programmer Nerd : That's not nice.
Lemonsquash : Huh ?
Jehova's Witness Programmer Nerd : That oral burping. It's not pleasant, is it ?
Lemonsquash : But you've been trumping constantly all day [this is true - and will only be exacerbated by the fact that his wife has made him curried parsnip soup for lunch].
Jehova's Witness Programmer Nerd : But anal burping is ok.
Lemonsquash : I'd say that it was the other way round. I think oral burps are always funny, but anal burps are often unpleasant.
Jehova's Witness Programmer Nerd : I wouldn't say so. Because you talk out of your mouth, don't you ? I don't talk out of my ass.
[Pause]
Jehova's Witness Programmer Nerd : Let me rephrase that...

...Jehova's Witness Programmer Nerd, who keeps using words inaccurately (for example, he once referred to me as being "deceitfully tall") :

Sometimes I brandish words like a big sword that I've just found in my father's shed, that I don't really know what to do with... And sometimes I find I've been holding the wrong end, and I've cut my hands to ribbons.

It is also worth noting that he claimed yesterday that the first instance of a wheel was when someone used a giant squid's eye on his wheelbarrow. Even my brain is beginning to warp.

...I have no material of my own anymore. Rather than attempt to forge any, I'm going to be lazy and continue to tell you stuff that other people have said :

Jehova's Witness Programmer Nerd : So he asked me why his father never took him to McDonalds, and I explained to him about the exponential growth in numbers of children who are obese, and how this can lead to diabetes.
Lemonsquash : How old did you say he was again ?
Jehova's Witness Programmer Nerd : Five. And then he drew a picture of a bear in space, so I was forced to explain to him...

Also, does anyone remember the Odd Couple ? Well, they were in The Ship Of Fools on Friday night, as it was the Odd Female's staff do. The Odd Male was rather tiddly :

Odd Male : Now [Lemonsquash], as you know, I'm not a homosexual. But if I were... And I'm not saying I am, because I'm not... But *if* I were, then I'd fancy your ass.
Lemonsquash : ...

I might try and think up something original of my own soon. But, then again, I might not.

...from just now :

Lemonsquash [absent-mindedly singing along with the radio] : Baby... love really hurts without you...
Jehova's Witness Programmer Nerd : Everything hurts when I poo ?

...other news, I am hungover today. I blame the baby Jesus (although Jehova's Witness Programmer Nerd assures me that Jesus has nothing to do with Christmas). I hope I wasn't too badly behaved, but little odds and sods keep coming back to me, like after my ladyfriend gave me my Christmas present :

Sweet Ecologist : Do you like the wrapping paper ? It's made of sugar kane.
Lemonsquash : Is it ? [Licks present]
Sweet Ecologist : Why are you licking your present ?
Lemonsquash : Because the wrapping's made of sugar kane. [Licks present]
Sweet Ecologist : And does it taste of anything ?
Lemonsquash : No. [Licks present]
Sweet Ecologist : That's right. So you can stop licking it now.
Lemonsquash : Ok. [Lick lick lick]

Furthermore, I must extend my apologies to everyone who's been in touch with me lately - with Christmas greetings or otherwise - whom I haven't bothered responding too. I have been exceptionally busy at work, and my home computer has died (which is a porn deficit nightmare); but I promise to get in touch with those who are awaiting a response in the week between Christmas and new year. So that includes - but is not limited to - Solis, Heather, Norah, Kate Siff, Beso (mmmmm), Bobble, Floaty, Mr 'Boon and Yaggers. Normally I'm not one to namedrop, but I'm hoping that listing a bunch of hot women (and one primate) will lead people to suspect that I am conducting a load of steamy, throbbing clandestine affairs. Merry fuckmas, everybody.