...a scientist. I began to realise my true calling after being told by Curly Blonde Physio that an old woman had microwaved her dog after leaving it overnight in the cold by accident, just assuming that a microwave worked like a conventional oven, and not realising that it would be cooked from the inside. 'How cool,' I thought. Not very compassionate, but hey - at least I'm honest. A Man Of Science, if you will. She proceeded to tell me that if you put grapes in the microwave, their skin dries and then sets alight before they explode. It is apparently hilarious. I may have to try this later.

I did try this one last night though... If you put a light-bulb connection-down in a glass of milk (a tumbler is the kind of size you're after) and put it in the microwave, it lights up. And it does. This is a lot of fun. Make sure you only 'woo' and 'aah' for a couple of seconds before opening the door however, as otherwise it will explode. This is precisely why I used a bulb from Surf-Film-Maker Chap's room and not my own. When he returns from Ireland today, he will wonder why the yellow rubbery fuck there's a lightbulb in a glass of milk on his desk.

Also, as a tip to my old chum travel_blog, it is true that hot water uncurls curly-wurly straws - but you can also use the same 'technology' to recurl them in any fashion you wish. As A Scientist, I have realised that the emphasis must be put not on finding problems, but on finding solutions. Furthermore, as A Scientist, I also realise that I have turned into a Proper Smug Cunt.

...to write something quite bleak, but then I remembered that - though which day of the week it is matters to me no more - it *is* Friday afternoon, so I have decided to tell some fun stuff instead.

- Recent conversation between Surf-Film-Maker Chap and a middle-aged woman he didn't know, both walking dogs on the beach, and the woman's dog comes up to sniff his girlfriend's dog :
SFMC : What kind of dog is that ?
Woman : He's a border terrier.
SFMC : He's lovely.
Woman : He loves shit.
SFMC : Pardon ?
Woman : He just loves it. Any shit he can get his paws on. Dog shit, bird shit, horse shit... He just loves shit.
SFMC : Don't we all ?
[Woman gives SFMC a look]

- I went to a really backward pub yesterday evening. As soon as we walked in there was deathly silence, and we thought there was a very good chance we'd get beaten up by some of the burly locals. There was a big plastic Elvis with green skin just beyond the bar. After we'd been there for ten minutes, the silence was shattered by a really loud Mötley Crüe coming over the pub stereo. The track played out, and then there was another protracted deathly silence afterwards. More pubs should be like that.

- I am now getting paid as a freelance 'journo'. Woo. Not very much though, but it's a start. Do you remember a while ago when I did a series of blogs on topics of other people's suggestions ? Well, give me more suggestions, and I will write them up. And get paid. For your ideas. Hahahahahaha. No, please, send me some - I haven't a Scooby wot to write about. And I'd like to be able to afford a vacuum cleaner. Nothing fancy - just Tesco Value probably. The house is covered in hair.

- Erm...

- Shit. I've run out of ideas. Again.

...day yesterday. I shalln't bore you with details, but in short I ended up doing a day's work on a hard news story gratis for one news outlet, when I later found I could have done it for another and got paid. This was a foolhardy accident, as I would like if possible to eat sometime later this week.

Anyway, I saw a couple of things yesterday which amused me. The first was, whilst on the way to cover this story, I found myself driving behind a car that had two signs in its rear windscreen. The one on the left said 'Baby In Car'. The one on the right said 'For Sale'. I felt that this unwitting offspring offer was worthy of a photo. I then learned a lesson which really should have been self-evident; taking a sharp photo of a moving target whilst also driving is tricky. Very.

The other thing I saw was in the Samaritans charity shop window. It was a VHS copy of 'Hellbound'. I don't think I need to elaborate.