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I am faced with
...the following dilemma :
Go snowboarding for the afternoon, then dine on veal, drink champagne and cognac, and take four hirstute Bulgarian prostitutes to bed...
or...
Blog ?
If you choose the way of pleasure and decadence, turn to page 67. If you are a hopelessly addicted weblog nerd, roll two die. If the number is odd, go back to page 1. If the number is even, go back to page 1.
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7.4.05 11:15
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Pimp My Pride
Loads and loads of things to tell, but before all else I must tell you what was waiting for me when I got back from Bulgaria. Unlike myself, my brother doesn't live a million miles away from Heathrow. So I left Ora, my beautiful Kia Pride, round at his house for the week.
After I got picked up from the airport by him, his girlfriend and an old uni chum of his (complete with big cardboard airport greeting sign, reading '[Lemonsquash] is gay'), they would sporadically burst into fits of giggles on the drive back, but not explain why. The reason, as I was soon to discover, is that my car had been pimped. This entailed 'Spax' stickers on each of my doors, a massive 'racing' strip across the top of the windscreen (I now drive in Widescreen), a new chrome exhaust-pipe, and the obligatory fluffy dice. I have been told that true chrome exhaust-pipe enthusiasts will recognise this particular type, and - due to its having been fitted upside-down - will instantly conclude that I am a prick of the highest order. They were rueful, however. Rueful at the fact they'd only had this idea at the eleventh hour, and hadn't had time to fit neon strips to the underbelly, or those hubs that continue spinning after the wheels have stopped. They even made enquiries as to how long it would take to black out the windows, but ran out of time.
I now drive the stupidest automobile on the planet. The only way I'll ever be able to sell it is as a joke car on Ebay.
Has anybody got a good suggestion for revenge ?
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12.4.05 11:25
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Well, I suppose I'd better
...tell you some stuff that I've been up to. Well, as you probably know, I've just been on holiday. And I bought a house. Go me. I informed Nooma of this, via the medium of e-communication. Her response :
What a great idea to buy a house in bulgaria! Will you ever live in it? I am interested in a holiday. Please send photos. Poorly stocked supermarkets and impoverished locals in 80's clothing? Count me in!
It is clear then that she loves me.
In other news, I went dolphin-chasing yesterday. It was probably a bit of a disadvantage that I was limited to looking on land. But I think the claim that there is a massive pod of dolphins just off the local coast is a ruse by the local radio station to get The Rag to send their hapless minions off to run along clifftops. Amount of dolphins sighted : none. Red herrings : one.
Also, tomorrow's paper will not only feature my... er... feature on a haunted castle, but will also be the first edition which sports a photo of mine on the front cover. Go team.
I am going to spend the evening making badges to put on my new man-bag. Ideas for badges include a Ghostbusters logo and Mumm-ra. Any other thoughts ?
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12.4.05 16:28
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I would appear to have
...unwittingly fallen into a niche. My article on the haunted house has received a good response, and I got a phone call from a chap in advertising this morning, who has asked me if I'd be interested in doing a piece on a nearby country lane. Apparently grown men, including himself, refuse to walk down there at night, as there have been lots of weird 'happenings'. He's heard that a medium in going down there in the near future to suss out what spiritual strangeness is afoot, and suggests that I join her. That is, if I don't "fill [my] trousers with diarrhoea". Corks. That's wot's required.
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13.4.05 11:48
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The auditors
...are coming in next week, so we're expected to be on our best behaviour. We were told this not a minute after I loudly volunteered the word 'fornication' across the office as a typically 'springy' (ie pertaining to the season) word. I'm not sure that we're ever that ill behaved. Although we'd best tone down 'bondage day' (which falls on a Wednesday), just to be on the side of prudence. And 'coercing pensioners into fighting each other day' will be a total non-starter next week. We'll have to grin and bear it, I suppose.
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14.4.05 12:23
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Stuff not to say
...when you're taking out an unsecured loan in order to buy property :
Lender : Ok, the money's in your account now. Be sure to spend it on the intended purpose.
Borrower : And not squander it on drugs and whores ?
Lender : No.
Borrower : Boo.
It is always better when dealing with The Man to smile sweetly, shake hands, and be generally ingratiating. Like for example, when people peer curiously at the circuitboards in your luggage on their X-Ray machines in Auckland airport, don't use the word 'bomb'. Even if you're telling them that you don't have one. Austere fuckplugs.
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14.4.05 15:31
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Another Impression...
"And now, returning after a particularly poorly-fought first round, we have Lemonsquash. Who are you going to take off this evening, you citrusy freak ?" "Tonight Matthew, for the second time on this show, I'm going to be silveretta." A farmer was concerned about one of his new lambs, as it kept making honking sounds and had a metal arm sticking out of its ear. The vet came by, and diagnosed that it had a sheep-brain trombone-cyst.
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15.4.05 11:03
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Jesus jumping
...Christ on a fucking pogo stick - I've just received an email inviting me to a school reunion. It will be a decade since I left school this summer, and so obviously we have to have a get together. This information has sucked my brain through my nostril, and poured it back into my head upside-down. All my old year. My first girlfriend. People with whom I've had fights. Those rems that went on 'Knightmare'. Samson's glans... I don't know how I feel about this.
This consternation / befuddlement / fear is probably due in part to the fact that I haven't achieved *anything* since I left school. I'm getting the same anxiety as Martin Blank, but at least he had being a hitman to fall back on. I haven't killed *anyone*. So I'd better start working fast.
I am dreading answering all the stock questions. I am preparing my answers now :
"No, I'm not married."
"No, I don't have any children."
"No, I'm not still with [she of whom we cannot speak]."
"No, I'm not a lawyer."
"Yes, well I found that I started metabolising when I reached 22. No, it's not glandular."
"I drive a comically pimped-up Kia Pride that cost me £450."
"Of course I haven't got a yacht."
"Yes, [insert name of every other ex-schoolmate here] has done awfully well, hasn't he / she ?"
"Yes, everything did go wrong. Please leave me alone now."
There is one consolation. It will be blog gold. Oh yes.
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15.4.05 12:15
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Some complete shitbag
...has outbid me in an auction on Ebay in the last minute, by 20p. I am now very much not the owner of a swanky new 'Trap Door' fridge magnet. Twat.
In other news, I was planning on having a no drinking month. Well, last night I fell off the wagon rather spectacularly, and it reversed back over me. Today was supposed to have been spent productively. It was actually spent having a nostalgia movieathon. First came 'The Dark Crystal' (that bit were he jumps through a closed window made me laugh so much I almost did a wee), then 'Labyrinth' (I'd not seen this before, but David Bowie's tights will be with me for some time, I fear), and we finished with 'The Goonies'. Time well spent, I think. Tax returns be fucked.
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17.4.05 22:54
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As ever, here are a few odds
...and sods from the weekend :
- Ebay is, by turns, a very good thing and a very bad thing. I am now the proud owner of a new set of board shorts, various books, nostalgia items, pointless guff, and fingers crossed for an Operation Ivy t-shirt. I am also the proud owner of a recently boosted credit card.
- My housemate and The Friendly Fisherman had a wager as to how early they could make me crack on my attempted 'no drinking month'. I managed to last two pubs and a round of drinks in a sunny garden on Saturday afternoon before I did. The stake was a pound. Clearly neither of them had much faith in my will. And rightly so.
- I promised Smiley Surf-Shop Gal, whilst a little lubricated, that I would drive her to Monkey World next weekend. This is an eight-hour round trip. I'm not entirely sure that I'm gonna keep this promise. But oh... the monkeys.
- We ended up in a rather unusual group in our local on Saturday evening. One of whom is a rather tapped looking squaddie. Conversation yesterday :
Ex-Flatmate : ...And [squaddie] was there too. You know, I do like [squaddie].
Lemonsquash : Do you ? Really ? See, I don't. He gives me the creeps. I think he's weird.
Ex-Flatmate : Oh, he just wants to kill people. Bless.
Lemonsquash : Yes. I think that's exactly what it is.
Not sure that the 'innocent' desire to slaughter other humans ever warrants a "bless". But there it is.
- Did I mention David Bowie in tights ? I believe I did.
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18.4.05 10:51
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In case I haven't already mentioned
...it, I am the QuizMaster at The Ship Of Fools. This is another title to add to an already formidable list, which now includes The Necromancer, The Stunt Yeoman, and Big Hairy Tosspot, amongst others. Anyway, I'm doing the quiz tonight, and I'm uninspired. Can anyone think of some interesting trivia that I can test the punters on, which will at once inform, enlighten, and fuck with their mindbrains ?
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18.4.05 16:49
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Things that are
...wrong about today :
- I had to get up an hour earlier than usual. Consequently I am walking the surface of the planet Scope.
- There is surf. And I'm at work.
- I don't actually have any work to do, but I'm contractually bound to be here.
- Ora has gone for a service. This is gonna cost me. I just know it. It sounds like there's a load of plates rattling on top of the engine. That can't be good.
Things that are right about today :
- No-one has set me on fire.
- I haven't been attacked by a big cat.
- No-one is beating me savagely about the face with my own sawn-off feet.
- I have coffee. And someone has bought doughnuts.
I think the pros definitely outweigh the cons in this instance. Oh happy day.
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19.4.05 09:38
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Who remembers
... this ? Well, it doesn't matter if you don't, because I've just given you a link, so you can read it again. If you want. I'm not going to make you. I respect your autonomy. Anyway, it seems like this chap who slavered on about the 'desecration of women' in orgies and 'flesh and blood of little children' (I have since discovered that this was because a group of Germans once made a porno in this county) is back in action. This time he's been braying on about a local refinery. They accidentally let out a 'river of fire', which killed lots of people. Although, curiously, no-one knows about it. Except him. Big cover-up, y'see ? Also, the erection of Tetra masts locally is a cause for concern on a Biblical scale. Why ? Because the 'British government is in the process of mind controlling the entire UK population using CIA research from the Pandora Project...'. You get the idea. A cunning way of controlling us, or giving us cancer, depending on the government's mood. Scary stuff. I may have to interview this chap in order to find out more. Although I should be careful where I choose to investigate. I don't wish to get Engorged by Dark Forces, after all.
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19.4.05 15:41
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I feel very
...peaceful this morning. I put this down to going smurfing before work. Consequently, it's very difficult to bother me today. This is not always a good thing, as I guess that giving a shit can be quite a good defence mechanism. Some woman is furious with me for cropping her copyright notice out of a photo we used. I care not. And if she sues ? I shall calmly set fire to her house.
I wouldn't really.
Have any of you ever experienced or doled out punishment that was vastly disproportionate to the crime ?
Edit
I originally wrote 'defense'. Something is trying to take over my brain. Fucking Tetra masts.
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20.4.05 10:56
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I can't help but notice
...that there's all sorts of electioneering type malarkey going on. If that means they're going to send more hot broadcasters from BBC Radio over to the newsroom, then I'd like to suggest we have an election every month.
I do wonder about these station-wagons with loudhalers, though. Do you think they really get through to the electorate ? I'm not convinced. I think they should use party ice-cream vans. If a local candidate came to my office car-park right now and handed me a Feast, then I would as sure as shit vote for them. Twice. Even if they were the Neo-Stalinists. I love lollies.
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20.4.05 11:50
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