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I thought I probably ought
...to explain my comment earlier about going out and taking photos of schoolchildren. Anyone who thought I might be up to no good, go stand in the corner and look at the wall. Shame on you. It is - of course - St. David's day; so I got sent around a few of the local schools to take photos of a bunch of Satan's very own little parasites all dressed-up. To be fair, it was slightly less of a ballache as expected, as the paper insist on fairly manageable numbers rather than whole schools. Here is a pic I took in an infants school that my dear old mum used to go to. I particularly liked the girl in the massive poody, whom I have inset :  The biggest poody of the day award has to go to the headmaster of the last school I went to, who very childishly whinged and threw a strop when I told him he we couldn't fit the entire school in a picture. He even went so far as to say in his uppity little whine "it's not a very big school, and not all of the children are even in today". He couldn't look me in the eye whilst he was blubbing his disappointment. He reminded me a lot of certain teachers I had whilst I was younger. I have no truck with men more than twice my age throwing their toys out of the pram. As such, his school will not be on The Rag's list at all next year. Ha. Wot is the most embarrassingly childish thing you've ever seen a 'grown-up' do ?
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1.3.05 15:14
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And today on
...Squash FM, our illustrious founder Lemon Q. Squash Esq fields questions posed by Heather : HJB : One of my best male friends claims that men spend their time thinking about football/sport of your choice or erections. Would you agree and if so how would you divide this time ?LS : Well, Ms Hoover, I would say that this says a lot more about your good friend than it does about men in general. If he wants to spend all his time thinking about sweaty men running around in shorts, balanced against throbbing rigid winking Woodrows, that's his prerogative. As for myself, I spend very little time thinking about football or sports, unless I am considering what pubs to avoid on a Saturday afternoon. I tend to think about erections when I find, whilst at work, that I have to suddenly go somewhere in a hurry, and I happen to have one. Then I find that I think about how best to lose it, rather than carefully considering its essence. I tend to think about women and boobs considerably more than either sport or honk-ons. Which is about 97% of the time. HJB : If you could change sex for a day would you consider prostitution as a career ? Justify your answer.LS : I would like to think that, if I found myself to be of the opposite gender, it wouldn't really alter my mindset much. As I am already considering prostitution as a career as a man then yes, yes I would. And why ? Because a picture editor for a regional newspaper earns pittance, and one day I should like to go to LegoLand. Oh, you wanted a serious answer ? Sure, why not ? I guess it would be fun to find out what it's like for the opposite gender; and if you can earn some wedge to boot, all the better. HJB : What do you consider to be the most over-rated virtue ?LS : Patience. Next. HJB : What would Nooma have to do for you to stop loving her ?LS : Have me killed. And in the exceedingly unlikely eventuality that there is *actually* some sort of afterlife ? Erase my spirit. Who ya gonna call ? SoulBusters. HJB : Do blondes have more fun ?LS : Well, I am in the privileged position of having been both a blonde and a brunette in my time, so I can compare and contrast my own experiences : Stuff I did as a blonde- Eat sand. - Make Lego. - Pile quilts on the floor, and dive off the top bunk and onto them for a short, exhilarating flight complete with soft landing. - Go to playschool, and have biscuits and squash. Stuff I do as a brunette- Eat beans on toast every day. - Wish my brother hadn't inherited all of our Lego. - Worry about taxes, and why women don't want to sleep with me. - Go to work, and have long days and short weekends. It's looking like a potential landslide for blondes. And if that wasn't enough, look at this picture of my brother and I in a wheelbarrow : I think this conclusively proves that, although non-blondes clearly have the capacity for fun (my brother seems to be having a moderately enjoyable time), blondes have a whale of a time. This is - of course - because blondes are invariably simple, and when I was blonde I had youth on my side. Once my brain developed and overspilled into my hair, giving it its present muddy colour, I began to understand heavy and depressing concepts, and my sense of joy died. So, despite the fact that blondes do indeed enjoy themselves more, having fair hair can be likened to being lobotomised. Which is something us snotty brown-hairs tell ourselves to make us feel superior. HJB : You do realise that none of the listeners of Squash FM will have been able to see that photo ?LS : Fuck. HJB : Never mind. Just roll with it.
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3.3.05 14:18
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I guess it's probably time to
...issue some interview questions. First off, for Floaty : 1. What grosses you out ? 2. What was the most trouble you got in at school ? 3. What song do you have in your head at the moment ? (For some reason, I have the theme from 'Kickstart'.) 4. Who's the most inappropriate person that's ever given you urges ? 5. What do you consider to be your worst vice ? And for Solicious : 1. Why were you hoofed (or almost hoofed - I can't quite recall) out of art college ? You non-conformist loose-cannon, you. 2. Would you rather have sex with a woman or a cartoon character (assuming you could) ? And which ? 3. What is it that you do that most grosses out other people ? 4. What famous people have you met ? 5. What is your opinion on passing gas loudly (either end) ? And in other news, there is no other news.
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4.3.05 11:50
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More
...questions : For Miss Sith : 1. Who's the most inappropriate person that's even given you urges ? (I like this question - I might ask everyone this.) 2. Which is the best band you've ever seen ? 3. Who would you most like to meet (alive or dead) ? 4. What is the most offputting habit any manfriend of yours has had ? 5. Who put the 'bomp' in the 'bomp ba-bomp bomp-bomp' ? For Yummyface : 1. What is your grossest habit ? 2. Why is the Milka cow lilac ? 3. What percentage of my entries that you look at do you *actually* read ? 4. Who's the most inappropriate person that's even given you urges ? 5. If you were a film, which would it be ? Two more to come...
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4.3.05 15:21
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And the last
...bunch of questions : For Gambino : 1. What are you most afraid that The Breakdancer's best man might bring up during the wedding speech ? 2. If you were a band, which would it be ? 3. Favourite lolly ? 4. What's the most trouble you've ever been in with any type of authority ? 5. Other than me, what do you disapprove of most ? And for Ludo : 1. What films could you not watch ? 2. What grosses you out ? 3. When was the last time you did something *really* naughty ? 4. What's your favourite board-game ? 5. What question would you most like to be asked ? No more. Please no more.
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4.3.05 15:51
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And in reply to
...lovely Miss Sith's questions :
KS : Have you ever deliberately set anything on fire ?
LS : I must've done; but am surprising myself by not being able to think of anything. A friend of mine once set fire to my car, and it burned to an ashen shell. I know that technically that wasn't me, but it was far more interesting than anything I've ever set on fire. Except maybe that one toddler...
KS : Do you have any phobias ?
LS : Heights. I can't walk over a high bridge if someone is behind me. And I can't even stand at the bottom of tall things and looks up without getting giddy and having to get down on the ground. When I looked up the Sears Tower, I totally spun out. I don't think I'm fond of rats either, but I haven't yet put that one fully to the test.
KS : Which broken up band would you most like to see ?
LS : The Smiths, obviously. But in contention were Sugar, Ben Folds Five and Guided By Voices. And Busted, of course.
KS : I have a bottle of lemon squash in my fridge. Does that make you feel like an aborigine having part of their soul stolen when they are photographed ?
LS : Au contraire my sweet; the notion that you often purse your lips against my effigy is thrilling. (I was gonna say 'drink from', but that would've been a little *too* rude.)
KS : Starter or dessert ?
LS : Starter. I'm not a very sweet person.
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4.3.05 19:25
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I've been keeping something
...under my hat. I'm going to stay overnight in a haunted castle, and write a feature on it for The Rag. Yipes. And when I mentioned this to Smiley Surf-Shop Gal, she got all excited and wanted to come along too. Though she then 'fessed up that she scares really easily, and was likely to be reduced to a jellyesque mess. Which would mean she'd need a strong male to protect her, and not wish to sleep alone. Gadzooks.
I hadn't mentioned this on here, as I'm fed-up of getting blog-jinxed. However, now that she's not coming with (she's going to swim with fishes in Egypt with her ex - phoo), it seems safe to report. Whether or not she's getting back with her ex is uncertain; although she does seem to be using me as a tool (not using my tool) to make her ex jealous. For example, she told me that she wanted to marry me yesterday after I said something she found amusing. Whilst he was sitting next to her. Golly. And she also said that, although there was a set date for staying at the fearful fortress (there's a press conference, y'see), she would like to stay there with me at some other time, as she's really disappointed that she can't go. Zounds.
So, who here believes in ghosts ?
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7.3.05 15:23
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I would like
...to drive an orange van.
...to eat more sashimi.
...to have cucumber banned from sandwiches.
...to go slamming at least monthly.
...to surf at least weekly.
...to have snogs at least daily.
...a sea view.
...some tropical fish.
...breakfast with a nice lady.
...a nap.
...some coffee.
At least one of these is achievable. I think I'll put the kettle on.
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8.3.05 13:14
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In the first of a
...new series, to celebrate the fact that I have booked tickets to go abroad for what will be the first time in ages, I present (in no order whatsoever) :
Lemonsquash Around the World : Episode 1 : Munich
Lemonsquash and travel buddy are walking towards a park, where they intend to drink beer from large steins and laugh at fat moustached men in traditional Bavarian costumes. Two women are talking to each other at the side of a pavement. One owns a dachshund. The dachshund clocks our hero and runs at him, barking his puny little tossmonger of a bark. Mr Squash expects the dog to make no more of an attempt at hostility than this; and is hence surprised when the odious wurst-mutt bites him on the leg. Although its jaws are too ineffectual and twatty to even pierce Lemonsquash's chunky cords, he raises his leg to stop the furry turd with teeth from having a go, shouting "You little FUCKER" as he does so. At this point, the piqued pooch disappears behind him, leaving Squish standing on one leg and wobbling; too afraid to put his leg down for fear of crushing the crap dog's diminutive skull underfoot, thus causing a rather embarrassing faux-pas.
Eventually, the owner of the angry little shit-stick glances up for a moment, and calls him back over. With the attack over, Lemonsquash can safely put his foot down. Any acknowledgement from the corpulent middle-aged bitch in a hat that her prick of a pet had been causing a skirmish with a member of the public ? Or - heaven forbid - an apology ? Fuck no. So I broke her arm.
The last sentence didn't happen. I actually went on my way to a park, and drank beer from large steins. Bliss.
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8.3.05 15:48
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I just made a round
...of hot beverages for the Editorial department. Everybody in the round makes the teas and coffees. Some more than others; but that's just the nature of an office, I suppose. I am in the 'more' category. This is owes more to my caffeine dependency than it does to altruism.
Anyway, I just delivered a cup of tea into the Circulation office, and was greeted with a friendly throwaway "Ah, here comes the tea-boy". I know nothing was meant by this, so I just responded with a smile; but is it wrong that I was massively irked ? I am a 27-year-old man. I don't like to be referred to as a 'tea-boy', not in the least because I'm not one. Does this response make me a snob ?
Oh, and would you like milk and sugar ?
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9.3.05 12:03
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I have decided that
...'Lemonsquash Around the World' was a rather dull title for a series, so instead I'm changing it to :
Squash's Globe : Episode 2 : Memphis
Our intrepid hero and his travel buddy go to Sun Studios, for the forty minute tour. We go in to the threads of Johnny Cash. Squash has his picture taken crooning into that Elvis microphone. It's all rather jolly. As we return to the four-by-four we've hired (they'd run out of Saloons, so upgraded us for the same price) in the free car park, travel buddy asks "Do you think you like Elvis more since we've been to Memphis ?" Squish replies "Yes... Yes, I probably do". Then - at the same time - we realise that the back of the car is bereft of luggage, and the passenger-side front window has been smashed. "Oh no... Oh fuck... They've got everything." All of our kit required for a three week jaunt. Gone. Noah's scrote.
We go back into the Sun Studios reception, and announce that our car's been broken into, and all of our stuff stolen. "Oh no," replies one of the staff; "that's the fourth time that's happened in so many weeks." We call police. They issue us a number. I ask who owns the CCTV camera pointing directly at the car park. "Oh that ?" replies another member of staff; "That doesn't work." If this is really such a common event, Squash wonders why it hasn't yet been fixed, and suddenly grows very paranoid and suspicious.
Squash and pal return their car to the nearest Avis. On returning the car, we are asked by the not only massive, but also massively camp black fellow working there for our papers.
"We don't have them. They're gone."
"Well do you have the original receipt ?"
"No, you don't understand... We don't have anything at all in the way of paperwork, as everything we had was stolen."
"Oooooh... That's not nice."
The next day was to be spent at Wal*Mart entirely reclothing, re-toiletrying and re-equipping ourselves, and reassessing our situation. But that evening we satisfied ourselves with a comforting Chinese meal and a vat of gin.
But it turns out that we were wrong. We hadn't been robbed of everything. The kindly robbers had left us with a plastic bag full of dodgy mix cassettes of late eighties and early nineties chart music (Bobby Brown and Technotronic a-go-go) bought in the Middle East, and the touristy tat we'd bought from Graceland - including a swinging-hips Elvis clock. Thangyewverymuch.
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9.3.05 14:01
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Two things
...today. Firstly, I went to take a photo of a veterinarian with lovely long hair getting it all shaved off for Comic Relief (when I say 'it all', I don't mean... you know). My suggestion that they give every pet back to their owners totally shaved today wasn't taken too seriously. Now, the headline I thought of for this article was 'Shorn To Be Wild'. If anybody can think of a better one, I'll send you the clipping (boom-boom).
Secondly, I had a conversation with my ex yesterday. I'm planning to visit her in Finland sometime this summer. Part of our chat went a bit like this :
Ex : If you come, you'll have to take a sauna.
LS : So I'm expected to get totally naked in front of all your friends ?
Ex : Yes.
LS : Er... No.
Ex : Why not ? Everybody does it.
LS : Everybody in Finland does it. I'm a bit too British. Steering clear of being naked in front of groups of strangers is deeply imbued; and I don't think there's a great deal I can do about it.
Ex : Do you think it's weird ?
LS : Not for you liberated Finns. But for me, sure.
Ex : Well you British made me do weird things while I was over there.
LS : Like what ?
Ex : Milk in tea.
LS : .......
So... Getting fully naked in foreign countries. What's the consensus ?
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11.3.05 12:08
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I have pretty much
...nothing to report from the weekend. It was all jolly lovely and relaxing, with plenty of delicious grub washed down with sweet sweet boozahol. However, this does not a good blog entry make. And I'm a bit too spazz-headed today to be inspired. Mind you, I suspect that I'm going to have a very slow afternoon at work, and I'm a horny slut for comments, so... ...Nope. I've drawn a blank. Normal service will be resumed shortly.
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14.3.05 12:37
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It would appear to be time
...for :
Squash's Globe : Episode 3 : Prague
I believe that I may have already blogged the 'throwing up off a balcony and then snogging my mate' episode, which happened during this holiday; so instead I may concentrate on someone else's misfortunes today. Now, originally this holiday was supposed to be for just myself and one of my buddies. However, due to careless talk, we suddenly found ourselves with six. One of the six was Unfortunate Chap. Now, Unfortunate Chap is one of the most cataclysmically unlucky people I've every met - hence the (vastly understated) epithet. I'm sure everyone must know someone like this - what can go wrong will, and how. I think he's the only person I've ever met that's ripped open his scrotum twice. Not a lucky man.
After harping on for hours about not being able to wait for his first beer in the Czech Republic, when he eventually got it, he had unwittingly ordered alcohol-free lager. Not the best start. But so much better than this was his first complaint of the following morning. Four of us shared an apartmenty-thing with a kitchen and en-suite, and Unfortunate Chap had a twin room which he was sharing with a friend of his, who wasn't arriving until the following day. For some reason, his room was way, way too hot. So he had to sleep in the buff on top of his sheets, with the window ajar. This wasn't long after the floods a few years back, and there was still a lot of stagnant water pooled over the city. Which brought mosquitoes. And we found it difficult to remain straight-faced and sympathetic when our hapless hero came and told us over breakfast about the very itchy bite he had contracted on the shaft of his penis.
Later in the week, he got ripped off by someone he thought he was buying weed from. I have never seen such an expensive bag of conifer scales. Likesay, not a lucky man. Although it probably pays to have a look at, and sniff of, what you intend to buy of a street salesperson.
Feel free to share your stories of similarly tragically ill-fated friends.
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14.3.05 14:46
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Who here
...believes in jinxing ? I don't. Or at least, I shouldn't do. My rationality tells me that concepts such as luck, synchronicity and jinxing are all man-made notions, which are just our way of trying to find some meaning - of imposing order where there is none. However, I guess the best way to build a system of belief is through personal experience. And I seem to get jinxed all the fucking time. And my frequent lunches with God are doing untold damage to my agnosticism too. Today, my case in point is that I told Heather that today was going to be a real slow day, and hence I was going to spend all of it blogging. Now I have a pile of paper in my in-tray so thick that it could easily break a toddler's spine. Curses. So... Does jinxing really exist ?
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15.3.05 12:01
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