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The first thing I did this year
...was neck black sambucas with a fourteen year-old. Then on New Year's Day I went surfing (badly), drank lots of mulled wine, offended numerous people; and stayed up 'till dumb o'clock with Flame-Haired Aussie Barmaid drinking beer and smoking fags (I don't normally smoke), and totally didn't snog her. Start as you mean to go on, and all that.
Every meal I have had this year so far has featured lots of cheese.
My resolutions of growing up and losing weight are going particularly swimmingly.
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4.1.05 11:10
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Whilst at
...a darling old couple's house this afternoon, taking a picture for The Rag on the occasion of their diamond wedding anniversary, I had to bite back potential inappropriate laughter at one point. They had received a card from the Queen, and were talking about how much red-tape they had to go through to confirm to Buckingham Palace that they really were celebrating their diamond wedding, and not partaking in some hoax. And the following angle popped into my head :
Palace Goons Harrass Old Couple.
Anniversary ruined.
Local man calls Queen "bitch".
I have to be less tabloidy in my thinking.
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4.1.05 16:44
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One of the local
...seaside pubs (where Smiley Surf-Shop Gal occasionally worked, by-the-by) has recently been closed down by the brewery that owns it. It is most likely to be sold residentially. So incensed is a local mystic by this that she's put a curse upon the head of each of the brewery's directors.
One of The Rag's reporters called a brewery director yesterday, requesting a comment on said hex. Though previously unaware of this malignant spell, the director responded "Well you'll be pleased to hear that everyone here is alright. But if anyone suddenly drops of apoplexy, you'll be the first to know".
How many times do I have to warn folk not to meddle in Dark Forces ?
Satan will Engorge us. Engorge us, I tell you.
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5.1.05 12:41
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So my housemate bumped
...into Big-Eyed Irish Cutie in town last night. Apparently she asked him to tell me to phone her. I asked him if he pointed out to her that she could just as easily call me. But no - it's an assertion of power, you see. I know that I mustn't become Big-Eyed's Bitch. Giving in could spell dee-oh-oh-en - DOON... oh, hang on... dee-oh-oh-em DOOM for me.
But she's so cute, though. And I do feel bad that I've been deliberately avoiding her. Maybe I should call.
I'm a mook. I'm gonna get crushed.
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6.1.05 10:20
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I have just been
...out taking snaps of a politician's visit to town. Two things :
- Firstly, photographers with massive cameras. I can see that these might be useful where distance shots or action shots are required. But really, wot's the point in a small office where a regular camera will suffice ? I'll tell you wot. People go 'ooh', and you can really act the showman. Hence I was considerably more retiring with the diminutive equipment The Rag provide me with. However, I didn't challenge this other photographer to a 'wang-off'. The mayor's office didn't really seem the place.
- I got chatting to an Assembly Member over coffee. She will never know this, but the whole time the inside of my head was singing. Whilst a member of the local radio station's news-team interviewed a minister on tape at the same table, she turned to me and confided that she was desperately holding back a massive sneeze. She was utterly charming. And utterly married with children. But the two issues this raises are : Why do I fall in love with someone new every day ? And is it wrong to fancy politicians ?
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6.1.05 13:36
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Some actual
...proper news, for a change. I've had word that Nooma's boyfriend is seriously ill, with a temperature of 108. A text I've received says 'Wont b surprised if [Nooma] back home soon. Sounds too serious 4 them to keep travlin'.
I'm not sure how I feel about this. Though I think that Nooma's boyfriend is a totally undeserving tosspot, I don't like the thought that he is seriously unwell. Moreover, I wouldn't want Nooma's adventure to be spoiled by anything.
[Edit : Since writing this, I've found out how ill Nooma's boyfriend really is. As much as I still think that - at least as far as Nooma's concerned - he is an undeserving tosspot, I wouldn't wish what he has on anyone. So my fingers are crossed for a speedy recovery.]
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10.1.05 13:14
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A wonderful moment
...from the weekend.
Saturday night. A busy pub in town. I am sitting at a table with a group of folk. A young doctor is present (she's in my good books, as she's just complimented me on my new sideburn length). She is a senior emergency ward doctor, and so many lives are in her hands each and every day. To the abhorrence of many, the amusement of few, and the astonishment of all, she gives herself a massive front wedgie; to the extent that the band of her knickers nearly reaches her breasts. Her shamelessness was quite astounding. I am in awe.
In other news, I am now in 49 people's favourites list. Let's push to make it 50 today, chaps and chapesses.
Although, given the calibre of my two entries today, I wouldn't be surprised if it dropped to six.
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10.1.05 14:58
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There is obviously a degree
...of give and take involved in living with folk. My housemate lets me live in his house. That is a very decent amount of give I think, and is worthy of some reward. So, amongst other things, I let him use my computer and net connection. So he's been merrily downloading tracks he likes. All reasonable so far, right ? Just wait...
He keeps deleting my playlist in favour of his. That in itself is not that unreasonable either. But some of the tracks are lamentably awful. Particularly...
...brace yourselves...
'Kiss On My List' by Hall and Oates.
Aaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhh.
I hate it. I hate it so much.
But now it's locked in my head. I can't get it out. It's the first thing I think of in the morning. Radio Squash (picked up on only one receiver, as far as I'm aware) plays it on a loop, day in and day out.
For planting that malignant grain, which has now overrun my percipient ecosystem like some abhorrent weed, I have to cut him open and spread his innards around the town.
What is the shittest song that you've had stuck in your head recently ?
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11.1.05 11:08
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I can only assume
...that the reason why no-one commented on my entry this morning is that, the moment they even read the words 'Hall and Oates', they instantly started vomiting uncontrollably; and have since been unable to pick up the strength to use their keyboards.
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11.1.05 12:57
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Here's one for
...you night-owls. I was talking to a chum of mine on the phone a few evenings ago. He is an eccentric American chap. He is an amusing sort, and writes very well. I told him that he should really blog, and why didn't he already ? His response [abridged] :
"After seeing what it's done to you ? No fucking way man."
"What do you mean what it's done to me ?"
"Dude; you've created this character that never scores with chicks, and now that's what your audience expects. And you make a joke out of the fact that you don't score. But your whole thing relies on you not scoring. So I think you act that way so that you can make the joke. Otherwise, what are you gonna blog about ?"
"So it's a self-fulfilling prophecy ?"
"Exactly."
"I don't think that's true. At least not consciously. As for subconsciously... Er..."
This is a total Catch 22 argument. If I stop blogging to see if my love-life improves, and it doesn't, then I can't ever report that this is the case; as if I do - boom - I was always willing that to happen, so as I could write a return blog of spectacular failure.
I thought that, when LemonSquash finally finds love, that would be a good time to end. But - by this line of thinking - it can never happen. I have been Blog Cursed.
Argh. And thrice Argh.
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12.1.05 00:10
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There seem to be
...very few takers for blinks so far. Which is a shame, as it seems that it'll only be me and Cheapy. Kind of like a date, if you look at it that way. So, if any of the rest of you are thinking of coming along, you can kindly fuck off out of it.
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13.1.05 14:34
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Thanks to
...the marvellous Mr Perday, I am now up to 50 in other people's favourites. Yay him. And yay me. In spite of being obviously very popular, and ergo handsome, charming and an all-round great guy, I don't have anything to blog about today. Since writing that sentence, I've had a thought. If you could clone yourself, and hence get your clone to be at work in your place right now, what would you do instead ?
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14.1.05 11:06
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I get paid
...monthly. I got paid on Friday. It is now Monday. I have just looked at my account balance, and my soul fell out. There will be no unicorn steak sautéed in platinum for me this month. If anyone who meets me on Friday is aggrieved that I don't appear to be getting lots of rounds in, rest assured it's not that I'm parsimonious; just poor.
So... Anyone got any odd jobs that need doing ?
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17.1.05 12:36
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Occasionally, over the course
...of the last few years, I have considered becoming a male escort. I guess it's more important to be genial, a good listener and able to make decent patter than it is to be attractive. It would pay better than my current job. It'd be a great way to source ideas for stories. And I might even get to get jiggy with a woman. Sounds ideal. What's stopping me ?
Wot do you think ? Do you know anyone who is or has been an escort ? Are you one ? Know any stories about one (preferably ones involving sex and drugs that will encourage me to pursue this course of action; and not ones about screaming, police and bloodshed that will discourage me) ?
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17.1.05 16:13
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Due to a complete lack
...of any news to report or inspiration whatsoever, I'm going to tell you a few things that you can find in our office. - There is a sticker on the window with a hot-air balloon that says 'Fly Budweiser'. I don't really understand the reference. Is it because it's light and gassy ? - There are a bunch of pigeon-holes. About a third of the names on the holes are of people who no longer work here. I don't have my own yet. Nor my own work email address. I have now been here for two and a half months. - I found a yo-yo at the bottom of a mug otherwise filled with stationery. This has improved the quality of my working environment by 46%. - There are four fans that I can see without getting up, looking for more, and provoking the question "What are you looking for ?"; to which I should have to reply "I'm counting fans". Even though the office is often beyond hot and stuffy, I have never seen any of them on. I assume this is because the moment one is turned on, anyone sitting in the path of its airflow will get coated in dust. - Cuddly toys that can be seen from my desk include Scooby Doo, Paddington Bear, Bagpuss and Spongebob Squarepants. - There are some trays to my left with old telephone directories and notebooks in them. I am now going to turn to a page in the notebook at random. It says 'Dolphin', 'Apple-N = New Folder', and 'fonzie1.Jpg'. - There is a noticeboard behind my head. The calendar pinned to it featuring cars directly behind me is open on September 2004. - I can't believe this. I have been here for approximately fifty days, and I never realised that there is a black and white original photo of Big Daddy in the corner of the (ironically titled) noticeboard. It is dated the 8th of January 1986. I am going to scan it now, and put it here :  It's amazing what you find as soon as you can be bothered to look.
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18.1.05 16:00
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