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My three
...favourite moments of the week, in reverse order :
3. Myself (taking photos) and the head reporter (on a skive (sp?)) walk into the hall where the Women's Institute Christmas social is being held. We are instantly eyeballed by about three or four hundred 'senior' ladies. "Have you ever felt a little out-of-place ?" asks head reporter. I felt like meat; I'm just not sure if it was in the bad way or in the worse way. At least there was no queue for the gents.
2. I go to see a famous local illustrator of children's books, who's spending a day in a junior school painting pictures for the kids, reading them stories, and collaborating on a large mural based on one of her books. In a childish innocence kinda way, watching her paint a tiger in front of the kids was a lovely enough moment; and I mean that in a totally uncynical way (no, really). However, the best moment came after the kids had left the classroom, and the illustrator was cleaning up. Whilst carrying a large plastic bag, quoth she : "This is what I use to dispose of the severed children. Could someone fetch me my knife ?" When I threatened to put that in the paper, she told me I was more than welcome to do so. She was great.
1. The female half of The Odd Couple asked me for a photo of myself for some purpose or other, but wouldn't tell me what. I assumed that she would be putting me on a dating website, or some such. But as long as she wasn't entering me for 'Big Brother', I was game. She fessed up a few days ago that it was for some Batchelor 2005 thing she'd entered me for. I wasn't entirely sure if this was up my alley.
"I can't really see myself fitting in with that kinda thing; can you ?" I asked.
"Oh, don't worry," she replied; "a mate of mine was in it two years ago, and he's minging..."
"Er... thanks ?"
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3.12.04 10:32
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Monday is always
...a royal shitter after a fun weekend of larks and jollitude. This weekend I :
- went to my old place of work and stole cheese
- went surfing
- had a curry *and* a Chinese
- watched 'Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind' (I urge everyone to watch this)
- got some decent work done on a website I'm making for myself
- applied for a much better job than the one I'm doing
- drank beer
All good things, I'm sure you'll agree.
This morning, I have been ordered to go and take pictures of a serious car crash that happened nearby. I can't imagine a more ghoulish way in which to start the week. Fortunately the road was blocked and the police wouldn't let me through. I much prefer news which is, well... nice. Innit ?
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6.12.04 14:26
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Today I am particularly
...irritable. I don't like being irritable. I don't know what to do about it. I've experimented with a good night's sleep. I've dabbled with lunch (I appreciate that - if you're not careful - this can lead to harder stuff, like afternoon doughnuts; but I don't have an especially addictive personality). The only other remaining ways I can think of to shake the irritability are not pursuits best suited to an office. Such as taking off my shoes.
The sun is shining, and I happen to know that the surf is pumping this afternoon. That might be it. Or maybe it's the sixth cup of coffee I'm presently pumping into my face.
Tell me something soothing.
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7.12.04 14:42
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I have had
...broadband for over a week, and just not known, as the donkeyfrotters at Virgin didn't bother to tell me. But on the plus side, I have broadband. Woo. Go team. By 'team', I of course mean 'Mp3s and porn at breakneck speed'. This week, I made my first attempt at sneaking a doctored picture past the subs. Here it is, with particular attention drawn to the enhancement :  The paper's out this morning. And so is the fin. It's been cropped. Gah - foiled. I'm going bowling tonight. I am welling up with mucus. I can see myself sneezing, and the velocity of my explosion catching the ball, and smashing the pins. Didn't that happen in a Superman movie ?
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8.12.04 10:47
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Today a fellow is
...appearing in the local court, charged with 17 cases of burglary. He was rumbled after he gave his probation officer his contact mobile number, which turned out to be the number of a phone that was taken during one of these burglaries. He protested vehemently against the impounding by police of Christmas presents he'd 'bought' for his kids.
I have a rather liberal view towards penology (stop smirking at the back, thank you) usually. But having been burgled in the past myself, I would happily see this fellow's face set on fire. It must be difficult for reporters to restrain themselves from writing headlines like 'Local Cunt Convicted Of Burglary, Being A Cunt'. In thinking this, I am running the risk of becoming a nasty, reactionary, tabloid-y little shit. Does this happen to us all with age ?
In other news, I drove past Impish Northern Bar-Manager in her mini this lunchtime. We were so busy flashing our lights and waving excitedly at each other that I nearly smacked into another car on a roundabout, and I saw in my mirror that she had to brake sharply to avoid totalling an old lady rattling slowly across the road. Don't be like Lemonsquash and his friends, kids - drive responsibly.
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8.12.04 15:16
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I'm glad
...that I resisted the temptation (sic) to go to the town's shittest - and yet somehow most popular - 'Nite Spot' yesterday evening. We'd been out for the advertising department's Christmas do. This involved being divided into teams, and having to bowl, do a Crystal Maze (oh yes), and a quiz over dinner. Unlucky delegates from each team (mercifully, myself not included) had to do a tie-breaker which involved eating as many marshmallows as they could in one minute. Immediately after eating. Three of these four fortunate fellows got a chance to enjoy the marshmallows a second time.
My evening ended after a follow-up in a scummy chavspot pool-hall. What I missed :
"Some bloke died in ['Shite Spot'] last night. It was a nightmare... I couldn't go for a piss for ages."
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9.12.04 10:56
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There is a compound amusement factor
...in you and a chum getting home from a pub slightly squiffy, interrupting your housemate's sexual congress by making him answer the door (as he's locked you out of the house), putting on Jaws in the living room beneath your housemate's bedroom, and trying desperately not to laugh uncontrollably when the sex noises start; as you know that if they hear you laughing, they'll know you're laughing at them having sex noisily.
My, but that was a long sentence.
Have you ever disturbed someone's passion ? Or - heaven forbid - been disturbed* in the act yourself ? Do tell.
*By 'disturbed', I mean 'interrupted' - not 'darkly and upsettingly wrong'.
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10.12.04 12:30
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Amongst other
...photos from the (second) office Christmas party, there is one of myself being force-fed a pink balloon 'animal'. The 'animal' in question is a phallus.
Head Reporter Chap said to me this morning that he is astounded by how many hot young ladies in the area seem to know me, considering I haven't been here that long. I told him that I have lots of girl-friends as they assume that I'm gay, and hence non-threatening. Having seen that photo, I am beginning to think that there might be a little too much truth in the jest.
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13.12.04 14:33
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The last time we did
... limericks, it was a roaring success. And as what was once a good idea is a good idea forever, it's clearly time to revisit. So I'll start us off, shall I ? There once was a lady called Heather, Who felt a bit under the weather; She thought she could win With medicinal gin - But woke up with a pygmy called Trevor.
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14.12.04 10:09
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I was looking forward
...to the first weekend in ages when I had nothing - absolutely nothing - planned. I like having days with nothing to do. I could have cleansed my soul by getting in touch with friends I've neglected for ages, gone for a spin around the coast, and made mulled wine. Bliss.
Now I have to spend at least twelve hours of my weekend driving, and the in-between time humping boxes. Gah. And fucking triple gah.
Is anyone in Brighton on Saturday evening ? If so, fancy going for a pint ?
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17.12.04 11:01
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I have just been sent
...an image to edit entitled 'Lemony' :  The children look worried. And rightly so.
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17.12.04 12:28
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It's been a while, so it's time for
...another impression :
Friday, 17 December 2004
20six.co.uk/lemonsquash
URL: http://www.20six.co.uk/lemonsquash
Blog Name: Dead's Platonic Lust-In
Blog Tag: There is none.
Last Updated: 17.12.04 @ 11:28
Overall theme: I want to sleep with lots of women, but never succeed. Poor me.
Best Entry: De Fuct-O
Cute Li'l Art Girl, I discovered today, is either married, or in a 'de facto' partnership. I suspect the latter, as she wears no wedding ring. Boo. I would have bought her a nice one. Or at least stolen it.
Overall ihateblogs rating: 2
ihateblogs Comment: Some guy in his late twenties harps on about women he knows and wants to have sex with. He never ends up going to bed with any of them. Boo-hoo ? Well, not boo-hoo actually. The only tears that should be shed here are those for his would-be victims. I know a potential rapist when I see one, and this whinge-spouting tosspot deserves no sympathy. The reason why you never go home with a woman is because you're about four-foot fuck-all high, and probably are the type of shitsucker who goes up to women in pubs and say things like "Come on love... It won't suck itself". You're fooling no-one with this faux-romantic veneer. Oh, sorry... there are a few gullible ladies who seem to hang out on your blog, blissfully unaware of the type of misogynist bottom-feeding slug that you really are.
Cunt.
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17.12.04 14:37
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Alright then - it's time to
...own up : who is responsible for my BlogSnog ? Don't be shy. You might just get a return snog coming your way. Or maybe more. BlogFumble, anyone ?
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20.12.04 15:30
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Conversation with
...the Editor :
Ed : [Lemonsquash], could you please airbrush this photo ? The Christmas decorations in the background look like they're giving this [fat] man antlers.
LS : I think we should leave it as it is, for exactly the same reason.
Guess who won ?
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20.12.04 17:25
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