...a curious and eventful few days. I went to a club on Thursday night. Every small town has a grotty club like this, that the locals cannot speak of without being accompanied by a knowing smile. It is a cheesetastrophe. But somehow the place where fun is had, and happenings happen. I was talking to Big-Eyed Irish Cutie. She has not been mentioned before, but I've known her since I've moved here. It transpired that we both liked each other. And that she was with boyfriend no more. I offered to kiss her. She said that she didn't think it was really the time or the place. I entirely respected that. But we thought that maybe Something Happening might well be A Good Idea. She texted me the following morning (I hadn't given her my phone number), and began 'Howdy there cowboy' (hee-hee - I like being called 'cowboy').

All good so far, right ? It wouldn't be a lemonsquash entry if things didn't go a bit skewiff, tho... (How does one spell 'skewiff' ?)

We spent most of Saturday together, in a group. We went to pubs. We went cliff-jumping. She gave me a seaweed bath. We discussed terrible song lyrics. And I got to see her in a bikini. It was all good.

Then I went to work. After my shift ended at midnight, I went to a party on the beach, complete with DJ, bonfire, people going skinny-dipping etc. Big-Eyed Irish Cutie was now very drunk. She gave me her colourful stripey handbag to look after whilst she went to dance. I think it quite suited me.

Then I bumped into Smiley Surf-Shop Gal. She told me I was brill, which was nice. I said that I thought she thought that I was "frightening" and "creepy". She told me that was only when I made jokes about [censored]. Then she told me that Big-Eyed Irish Cutie wasn't good enough for me. When asked to elaborate, she told me how she'd been a total bitch to some of her mates, and so on.

Lemonsquash : Even assuming she isn't good enough for me, I mean... What other options do I have ? It kinda begs the question - who is good enough ?

Smiley Surf-Shop Gal : Me.

Surprise.

I really wasn't expecting that. I managed not to give any sort of committed response. After all, things were just starting to kick off with Big-Eyed Irish Cutie. Right ?

Well...

I went off for a wee. Big-Eyed Irish Cutie ran after me, and asked where I was going. I told her. She asked if I was going to wee on her handbag. I told her that I'd planned to rotate it round to the back, and she needn't worry. We got to talking. It came round to Thursday night. We retraced the conversation we'd had; partly because I'd been too drunk to remember it. We got to the bit where I offered to kiss her, but it wasn't the right time or place. I asked her if on a beach, by a bonfire, beneath a full moon would be the right place. There was a pause. She told me that it wouldn't. She said that she did really like me, but she'd just come out of a relationship, and was trying to be cautious. Would it be alright if we just hung out together for a while, got to know each other a little better, and maybe - who knows - sometime things might kick off ? I said that it would. I was actually bastard disappointed.

I was quite looking forward to maybe Having A Girlfriend, and it had looked very much like it was going that way. But - of course - things have a tendency to look easy, whereas they are in fact unnecessarily complicated. Boo. And, due to feeling obligated elsewhere, I blew Smiley Surf-Shop Gal out. I kinda wish the two conversations had happened the other way round.

So should I try and snap up Smiley ? Or dangle for Irish in the hope that, at some point, it will bring fruit ? I have a foreboding feeling that I'm gonna end up with neither of them. But 'tis the way of the lemon.

...I had a chat with Nooma, Smiley Surf-Shop Gal and Surf-Film-Maker Chap about scat. It was hilarity at its zenith. Nooma embarked on a monologue about the potential embarrassment of explaining to a prospective employer that you were expelled from your last job for leaving a colossal monster that just wouldn't flush. I laughed so much that beer came out of my nose.

I wish she'd dump her boyfriend. I am now sounding like a stuck CD. So I'll stop.

...is rubbish. The White Album is mostly genius, but it is lightly peppered with toss. They could have exercised more of a filter really, couldn't they ? I blame the drugs.

Is there a band that has not written a song that is - on closer inspection - a shower of shite ?

...distress. We had a visitor over the course of the weekend. I was told in advance that she was foxy, single, and looking for sweet sweet lovin'. Now, often when girls describe their friends as being foxy, it is best taken with a pinch of salt, as they are usually a disappointment. Tall Tattooed Brunette Sizzler was not. Quite the opposite. Hence the 'Sizzler' (you had probably gathered that, to be fair). A fun weekend was had, though I did have to work on Saturday and Sunday night. And we seemed to get on well. But nothing happened.

I was speaking with My Spy - Surf-Film-Maker Chap - last night. He asked if anything had gone on with TTBS. I told him not. He expressed surprise. I expressed surprise at his surprise. He then told me that a friend of ours had tried it on with TTBS, but she declined, and gave the reason that she was holding out for a slice of Tartlet. She went back to London on Monday. I was already mentally fatigued by being most of the way through a fourteen hour shift, and this was not news I wanted to hear. It was obviously very flattering, but I wanted snugglystuff ('snugglystuff' used courtesy of lovely BA).

The last couple of hours dragged.

P.S. To show that I am still a lemon of good cheer, I'll go out with a joke :
Bloke A : My dog has no dictionary.
Bloke B : How does it spell 'terrible' ?

...going to blog today, as I am a toxic sweaty mess, and looking at the screen is making me dizzy. But I had to report something that Nooma sent me in an email :

Today is a good day. I put 35p in the vending machine for a packet of
Malteasers, and it gave me TWO packets of Malteasers! That is a free packet
of Malteasers, or two half price packets of Malteasers. Malteasorama!

How good is she ? She's totally skill. I got talking to an ex-boyfriend of hers on Saturday night. I somehow managed to gather that he was homophobic, so I pretended to be gay in order to make him squirm. It worked. Nooma approved. Hooray. If only I could so easily get rid of the current one...

...to head barman. This is not to say that I am a barman who gives head willy-nilly.

I spoke with Power-Trip Owner Twat last night about the fact that I seem to have been given a promotion in responsibility, but not in terms of pay. He squirmed out of the issue in a typically niggardly fashion. Then, in the immediately subsequent conversation, he told me that he was also going to Brighton next week (I'm going to Brighton next week), also in order to meet up with a chicky (I am going to meet up with a chicky). First he suggested we car share. I would rather share needles with every brown addict in Britain than a car with that anus for six hours. Then he suggested we share ladyfriends. Don't even get me started...

...dreaming about working in a cocking bar every night. Whenever someone orders five malibu and cokes, I have to wake myself up so that I don't have to do it. I am very tired today.

My subconscious took pity on me at one point last night. It eased my plight by having Morrissey play tracks from 'Viva Hate' live from behind the bar. I did accidentally elbow him off his stool during 'Late Night, Maudlin Street', tho. He took it quite well. Wot a fine chap.

...about her since Monday, so here is the obligatory Nooma post. I went round to her house for coffee this afternoon. 'Coffee' is - of course - euphemistic for 'vanilla latte', which sadly isn't euphemistic for anything else.

'Shaun' out of 'Shaun Of The Dead's dad is painting the inside of her house. This is true.

Snippet of conversation :
Squish : There doesn't seem to be much work down here at the moment. Other than for carers and hospitality workers. And I'm not sure I care enough to be a carer.
Nooma : Yes, sadly there's not much call for apathy work at the moment.

She made the coffee froth with a very dodgy-looking vibrating instrument. She took a hair off it before using it. I told her that I wondered where the hair had come from, and that I hope she washed it before using it. She didn't. I was secretly hoping she wouldn't.

*Sigh*

...I am going to get some Snugglystuff (© B.A.). With a lady. Hooray. I feel it is deserving as it has been a very, *very* long time since my last snuggle. I am very excited.

But I also have a concern. I am afraid that, just as we're about to get down and do the wild thing, I will have succeeded in my mission, and will Quantum Leap before I get a chance to enjoy it. Oh boy.

...a reminder. Blinks. Tomorrow. In fact, two sets of blinks. My stars.

So who's going to which ? Are they gonna combine ? Or shall we just badmouth the other crew behind their backs ?

Either way, it will rock. I may even wash tomorrow.

...blinks malarkey. What have we learnt ?

Prejudices confirmed

- Looper and Gamba are the loveliest people in the world. It saddened me lots that they didn't stay out longer. That said, I would've got to spend more time with them if I hadn't arrived at my own blinks an hour and a quarter late. Oops.

- Pog is brill. She's like a big sister. I don't have a big sister, so this is most welcome. And she really does have a gecko tattoo.

- The Baboon is a sweetie. I wanted to hug him, but felt it would be a bit forward. I didn't want to scare anyone.

Stuff I really should have known

- SoCheap is absolutely gorgeous.

- FoxyLady is also - true to her word - foxy. (Foxy - sorry I didn't introduce myself by the way, before the group broke off and went to some club or other for fire, bondage and Inspiral Carpets. I was rather drunk by this point anyway, so it wouldn't have been particularly edifying for you.)

- After no sleep, and a hectic day, make sure you eat dinner before you start drinking. Otherwise you will become far too drunk far too quickly, and any wit and wisdom that bloggers impart will be regrettably scrubbed from your memory.

Unexpected

- Queener looks a bit like Cute Li'l Art Girl. Who knew ?